Author: cravingasoberday

WOW- I loved my free and honest writings before, and it’s so true. So much ahs happened and I wish I could say for the better…. my Mum dies, my brothers tried to kill me, my husband is still a cross-dresser, and the kids … well, not sure what to say. Autumn is engaged to James, a person who cares more about himself than he does her. Bode is finding his way as he always does. And frankly I drink to hide.

I also believe is gay. I so want to talk to somebody about this but there is not a single person I can tell. I have known about the cross dressing for 20+ years. I remember the first time I found out. I was wearing a sexy white dress and we had gone out to some of our favorite bars. Like most times we drank and came home and made out in the the backyard. Kurt then asked me if he could put my dress one- I was floored but agreed. I vaguely remember talking about it the next day but don’t remember the specifics.

I know that he often comes home early and gets ‘dressed’. I find my shoes in different spots etc. I have found him wearing my underwear under his dress pants. And he especially likes pantyhose, he goes thru the my Goodwill pile and pulls dresses out….

Now, when it comes to sex Kurt was really not that great of a lover, frankly a rather poor one at that. Since he can no longer get an erecetion (which was never that great even when he could) we just use sex toys. Of course his favorite is the long, extra wide dilldo that looks and feels fairly real. He loves to give it a blow job and suck it while he jacks off and asks me to talk sexy to him. Lately he now wants me to fuck him with it. I admit I like to jam it in him just so it hurts a bit. I pray I don’t tear anything, but at the same time wish it would do some harm. He likes to be pegged too…

And why do I think he is gay? Because he loves all this stuff and I can ‘see’ he secretly wishes a real man was fucking him. And in the last couple of weeks he has started to use the phrase ” He is just such a sweetheart”. What man calls another man a sweetheart??

I am repulsed by all of this and wish it would just go away, but I know it will not. Not unless I leave or die.

I need a mans man- not a man who likes to dress like a women, suck on dicks but denies being gay.

I found out last week that my Dad/Russ died. He was 86 or so, not sure. He left when I was in high school. Jeff was long gone by then and Brian was in the juvenal Detention center on Phx. My Mum’s world collapsed and so did mine in many ways. When he divorced my Mum he told me that he was also divorcing his kids. He kept his word. Denied knowing us….

For the longest time I had the hope of crashing his funeral and getting up and telling everybody what an ass he was. I also had high hopes of telling everybody there how great we “Balda Kids” and turned out. He was an ass, yes, but there is not much to tell about us kids. Jeff has become a hoarder and at the age of almost 60 is living off my Mum. Brian can’t be found. I have tried on my own to find his (for the sake of Mum) but I may just have to hire a private investigator.

I digress… death of a father…. I understand that he died in a nursing home and that Lori (Judy’s daughter) ‘took good care of him’. How nice that somebody was there for him as his kidneys shut down. I found on face book that Judy died in 2018. I try hard to find one good thing I got from my father but I can’t seem to find one. I did however get his genes for being a alcoholic.

I am not sure if I should be sad or happy or what to feel. I didn’t think alot about my Dad before I found out he died, but now I find myself thinking about him. Not in a bad way, just thoughts of this and that. I do wish he had known what became of me. How I turned out. Despite everything I think I am doing ok right now.

tired and wish I could drink so I could get a good nights sleep.

I married an incredibly self centered person who thinks that working an 8 hour day is hard work and taxing. I want to yell at him and scream and tell him that his life was easy and continues to be so. I fucking cook and clean and do almost 80 % of EVERYTHING- he can’t even make a side dish to go with dinner for godsakes. Tired of him…

Does one ever stop being an addict? I turned 54 a few days ago and I still crave a cold glass of wine, or volka. But I must admit the thought of drinking past ‘the point of no return’ repulses me. In fact it turns my stomach. I suppose that is a good sign and right now I will take it. I am taking my Mum back to Chicago for Uncle Floyds memorial service. Dread is not a strong enought word… To be couped up in a train with my Mum for 6 days total is not ideal. I can’t wait for her to ask me about all those old friends I have never bothered to keep in touch with (but will lie and make up something just to get it over with). ” Oh yes, Cathy’s daughter Madaline. She is a year younger than Bode. Doing well. Thinking about college”. Truth be told I have no clue what Cathy or Madaline are up to- have not seen or talked to them since she was 2 or maybe 3. Urgh… I can’t hit the wine or volka but maybe a beer will help… Addiction- it sucks. Wish I was not addicted to Botox and Fillers- I need to find something cheaper for a vice.

I have managed to hold the same job for one year. While it is not my ideal job I have managed to keep it and have not gone to work drunk once. It has been one year since I had any wine or volka. This last year has been full of riots, a comical presidency, the death of my Uncle Floyd from COVID, my Aunt is losing her memeory, my Mum has lost most of her teeth, my brother has taken over my Mum’s cabin (her dream re-treat).

My depression waxes and wanes; as does my love for life.

I started this post in 2017.  Since then I have had breast cancer, tried to commit suicide, lost multiple jobs, did not bother to keep in touch with people, my oldest graduated in 2020 at the height of COVID 19, my husband has locked me out of our bank account, work 3 jobs at one time just to have some spending money…………

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